The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Quoted by Demetri Martin
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Quoted by Demetri Martin
A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
Quoted by Demetri Martin
Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
Quoted by Demetri Martin
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
Quoted by Demetri Martin
Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.
Quoted by Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Quoted by Demetri Martin
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
Quoted by Demetri Martin
A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.
Quoted by Demetri Martin
Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.
Quoted by Demetri Martin
Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
Quoted by Demetri Martin
Hiking is just walking where it's okay to pee.
Quoted by Demetri Martin