If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
Quoted by George Carlin
Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
Quoted by George Carlin
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
Quoted by George Carlin
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Quoted by George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
Quoted by George Carlin
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
Quoted by George Carlin
How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?
Quoted by George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Quoted by George Carlin
If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
Quoted by George Carlin
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
Quoted by George Carlin
I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
Quoted by George Carlin
I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
Quoted by George Carlin
The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
Quoted by George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Quoted by George Carlin
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
Quoted by George Carlin
Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.
Quoted by George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
Quoted by George Carlin
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
Quoted by George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Quoted by George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Quoted by George Carlin